Tuesday, June 14, 2016

President Trump



The faking of a President: Our future under Donald Trump and his first 100 days in office
George, Thomas, Teddy, Abe and ... The Donald? 

(New York Daily News Photo Illustration)

The NY Daily News  Josh Greenman Saturday, October 3, 2015
On Jan. 20, 2017, Donald Trump will take the oath of office for the presidency of the United States. What follows is an exclusive report on the first 100 days that followed his fabulous inauguration and after-party (attended by thousands of beautiful women with beautiful faces) as he set off on a short road to making America great again.

Day 1. Even as President Trump orders federal workers to bundle the inaugural ball’s gold foil confetti for smelting and reuse in White House restroom faucets, he begins making good on his campaign vow to seal the U.S.-Mexico border “on my first day.”

Refusing to let supporters hold hands along the border, Red Rover style, to prevent immigrants from crossing over, germophobe Trump orders the National Guard to douse the border in gasoline, set it afire and maintain the blaze.
 

He proclaims the conflagration, which is visible from space, to be “spectacular.”

Recognizing how costly buying petroleum to feed the flames will be over time, and needing money to fulfill his pledges to dramatically increase military spending, finance a multi-trillion dollar tax cut and offer “fantastic” universal health care, Trump starts construction of a 2,000-mile “beautiful” border wall, to be paid for entirely by the Mexican government.

He specifies that the wall be built with only “the finest materials” and topped with “gold-plated razor wire.” When Trump insists on a fringe of rich Corinthian leather, Treasury Secretary Martha Stewart apologetically informs the President that there is no such thing.

For Mexico’s “convenience,” Trump says he will accept $40 billion in a “terrifically” structured balloon mortgage.

Simultaneously, the President moves to debunk fears that he intends to brutally uproot and deport 11 million undocumented residents — and send them back to their home countries in cattle cars. Stretch limousines and well-dressed men with Tasers begin appearing in American cities.

“We have just begun the fastest, classiest mass deportation in world history,” Trump declares.

Day 2. When Secretary of State Arnold Schwarzenegger reports that Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto laughed in his face about paying for the $40 billion wall, Trump tears up the North American Free Trade Agreement on live television.

He also puts in a call to Chinese President Xi Jinping, telling Xi that he has really enjoyed negotiating office leases with Chinese businessmen because while they are smart, he is smarter.

“For us to have good international relations, it’s only gentlemanly for me to let you to know who you’re dealing with,” Trump says, before informing Xi that, as promised in the campaign, he is imposing massive new import duties on Chinese-made goods, illegal under World Trade Organization agreements.

China retaliates by doubling tariffs on soybeans and semiconductors, two of America’s top exports, and floods the market with cheap steel. Mexico hikes tariffs on its $200 billion in U.S. imports. The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets by 52%.

“Stocks are cheaper than they have ever been,” Trump declares. “I’ve given the American people the greatest opportunity to buy low that they have ever had in recorded history. Once, China and Mexico were so smart compared to how stupid we used to be. Now, they’re so stupid compared to how smart we are. Call your stockbrokers. You’ll win so big it will make your head spin.”

Staying awake into the early morning hours, Trump Twitter-flames Xi as “ugly and low-energy,” and Peña Nieto as “decent looking, but a loser.”

At dawn, Trump orders a fireworks display.

Day 7. Following the first full week of construction, 100 miles of border wall are complete, and only four workers have died in the flames. Trump orders a fireworks display.

Day 9. The President names the rest of his cabinet. He says it is the best looking cabinet in the history of the Republic. The group photo is truly stunning.

Day 13. Trump’s tax plan — which includes huge across-the-board rate reductions and elimination of the estate tax — hits resistance in Congress from Republicans concerned about increasing the federal deficit by $12 trillion over 10 years, and Democrats worried about dramatically slashing the rates of the wealthiest Americans.

The President makes a trip to Capitol Hill. In stirring remarks, he reminds Senate and House leaders that he once finished the construction of an ice skating rink and had a hit reality TV show in which he portrayed a man far wealthier and more successful than himself.

Congress tells Trump that at the moment, it’s pretty damn busy with crop-subsidy legislation, but would take up his plan as soon as they worked out a sugar beet formula.

Trump orders a fireworks display.


By order of the President Trump, the Obama Library is relocated to Nairobi, Kenya.(DOMINICK REUTER/REUTERS)

Day 15. Giddy at Washington’s apparent appreciation of his art of the deal, Trump orders Surgeon General Dr. Mehmet Oz to get to work on a health insurance plan to replace Obamacare. He demands the legislation use the exact words “something terrific.”

Day 19. On the eve of the President’s first press conference, he stays up into the early morning hours angrily responding to criticism of his administration. He deems the offenders, including White House correspondents from the New York Times, the Washington Post, ABC and CBS, “among the worst people I’ve ever met.” He purges them from the Briefing Room for the remainder of his administration.

Standing with Attorney General Rudy Giuliani, Trump launches a Justice Department Division of Moron Pundit Prosecution.

“My enemies list,” Trump says at the podium, “is going to be the biggest, best enemies list you have ever seen.”

Day 22. With Russia overrunning Syria, Bashar Assad making the Damascus nightclub scene and ISIS recruiting ever more foreign fighters, Trump hires a Rosetta Stone official to help him memorize and pronounce the names of key players in the Middle East. In the Situation Room, he assembles the Gen. Patton and the Gen. MacArthur he had promised would lead the Pentagon and asks them to pick between his two announced strategy choices.

Option One: “Knock the hell out of them,” as he said while campaigning. Option Two: Let Vladimir Putin take over, because, as he said while campaigning, “I love the fact that ISIS is being hit by Russia … Why do we have to do everything?” There’s a long pause.

In an evening address to the American people, Trump explains: “After flipping a big, beautiful coin, I have decided to follow through on the first idea I came up with, which is to send ground troops to attack oil fields, and then keep them there until we get all the money.”

He says calling the fight the “War for Oil” has a certain ring to it, and orders a fireworks display.

Day 25. Making good on another promise, Trump sends all 10,000 Syrian refugees admitted by the Obama administration back to their war-ravaged country. As a consolation, he gives each one a “Make America Great Again” cap.

Day 30. President Trump’s Department of Labor releases its first jobs report. America has created an unprecedented 1 million new jobs in just one month. All but 23 are Immigration and Customs Enforcement deportation officers.

Day 44. The 1,111th mile of the border wall is complete, as is the “big, beautiful door” the President had promised. The U.S. Mint produces a platinum key for that door, which Trump wears around his neck, behind his Trump Signature Collection tie.

Day 64. Nine million immigrants have been deported, but birthright citizenship remains the law of the land. The states are balking at amending the Constitution to repeal the 14th Amendment. No matter.

Trump begins revoking the citizenship of thousands of onetime “anchor babies,” and U.S. Supreme Court Justice Greta Van Susteren deems birthright citizenship “the worst interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment in the history of interpretations of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Trump orders a fireworks display.

Day 70. Exercising the power of eminent domain, Trump seizes the land under the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago to build a combined Trump Casino-Trump University where, he pledges, professors will give the “greatest ever courses in playing roulette to low-income Americans.”

“I guarantee you, you will win,” the President says. Secretary of Commerce Dennis Rodman, standing by his side, whispers, “That is not a guarantee.”

By order of the President, the Obama Library is relocated to Nairobi, Kenya.

Day 82. At a record-size military graduation, part of Trump’s promise to “make our military so big and so strong and so great … that nobody’s going to mess with us,” the commander-in-chief tells cadets that he has “always felt like one of you” and “got more training than a lot of you.” He also warns they better not be so stupid as to get captured.

Applause is muted, and a few cadets leave after an attempted Trump applause line on the War for Oil.

Day 87. The President celebrates completion of the final mile of the 1,954-mile border wall, which comes in 1 million pesos (about $60,000) under budget. While marking the occasion with a stirring speech calling Americans to a new era of division, inwardness and fear, he proudly proclaims the savings will go toward adding his visage and hair to Mount Rushmore.

Day 94. Trump announces that he has completed his first 100 days ahead of schedule. He orders a fireworks display.

No comments: